I Am Mother

I've been thinking a lot lately. I know I know...it's kind of scary.

A few months ago, I got in contact with an old college roommate I had lost touch with. She is now married and has 2 little boys, very close in age. We exchanged a couple Facebook messages and found each other's blogs. I told her that even though her kids were close in age, she is going to love it. Some time went by, and then she messaged back:

"so, i read your blog and you said they fight all the time. which is it? cuz it doesn't sound like you love it. "

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this message. Does my blog make it sound like I don't love it? Does it sound like my kids drive me insane? Does it sound like I'm not enjoying my time with my children? I really hope not.

I'll admit it, my boys DO drive me crazy. Yes, most days my house is a mess that I'm constantly trying to clean up. Yes, they fight with each other every day. Yes, it's hard. I had 3 boys in a little over 4 years!! But would I have done it any differently if I were to go back? Would I have spaced my kids out more? Should I have waited till I was older? Started when I was younger?

No, I wouldn't have done it any differently. My boys LOVE each other. They will literally give each other bloody noses, then when I come in to break it up and they each get in trouble, they are defending each other and getting mad at ME! They whisper jokes and secrets to each other, and sneak into each other's rooms to play at 5:00 A.M. They miss each other when they're at their different schools. They cry when the other is sad. "T" waits outside for "B's" bus to bring him home every afternoon. "B" cheers "T" on and shouts encouragement during his soccer games on Saturdays.

Am I tired? Yes, you have no idea! Some days I wake up and wonder how I can find the energy to do what I have to do that day. I think of all the laundry, the cleaning that is NEVER caught up, the pee all over the toilet, the diaper changes, the snot wiped all over my couches, the 5 billion toys underfoot, the grocery shopping, the cooking, (I could go on but I won't, you get the idea). Not to mention the fact that I work (I mean actual paying work...) every afternoon while my kids take a nap. There is literally NO down time! But if anyone asks me how I feel about being a mother, I will say without hesitation, I love it. I would not, could not trade it for anything.

My biggest fear is that I'm missing it all. People always tell me, "It goes by so fast...enjoy it while you can." And that's exactly what I'm afraid of! Time is flying. Am I going to remember all the funny things they say? The intensity on T's face while he's telling me a crazy dream he had, the twinkle of B's blue eyes while he tells me a joke he heard at school, S's mischievous expression while he steals one of his older brother's toys and then runs away as fast as he can?

Who cares if the house is clean!! Who cares if we eat hot dogs AGAIN for dinner tonight! Who cares if I make it to the store for that amazing sale! I need to make sure I enjoy this craziness. And I promise you, I do enjoy it. Every day I pray that I can be the mother they deserve to have, and that I will be grateful that I have the opportunity to be a mother.

(I hate this picture of me, but my boys are adorable.)

“The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. … I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.”
-Anna Quindlen